I struggled to rest that day due to the crying baby that now possessed my life. Even in a quite house, this child has had difficulty with naps. I became even more of a monster that day. As you all know, when you are sick and tired, rest is the body’s best remedy. I was fighting a battle that I could not win. I am sure I raised my voice and yelled at my baby. I have a weak point with anger. So my day should have been relaxing entirely, but it was not. I do know that somewhere in there I found a few hours of sleep when E finally slept, but I know that much of the afternoon was spent wishing quietness in our home.

Now, as a mother who wishes she could control her temper at all times, days like this bring about a feeling of complete failure. Why would you yell at a baby that is crying because it can not sleep? Why would you not just hold him and rock him gently and sing to it? Why? Life is too short to hold a baby every single day all day long. There are chores to be done, books to be read, other people in the world to care for. I realize this sounds absurd, completely opposing what your parents tell you about children growing up too fast. Believe me, I know this. I did not expect to have a third baby so quickly. And I did not expect him to be the most demanding child I have ever encountered or heard of. Nothing could have prepared me for this one, although I am sure that God sprinkled preparation for him throughout my life, I still don’t feel I am handling him well. I simply must say that one mom, with three kids and a husband, can not spend day after day after day, holding, rocking, singing and trying to tire a baby with crying and sleeping problems. It is not physically possible. So two months in on his life and I feel marvelously incapable. I am failing on all counts on this Sunday: too sick to throw a birthday party, too tired to care for my two older kids, and far too angry at my little baby to feel much love for him at all.

Later that day, I made my way to the kitchen and began to unpack the gift I had been given. Dozens of tree-ripened nectarines, onions, new potatoes, tomatoes, and garden carrots. The carrots lined much of the bottom of the box. It was neatly arranged, potatoes here, tomatoes in this corner, it truely was a lovely gift to receive. As I pulled the carrots out I was overwhelmed. I pulled this carrot, two carrots really, out of a tangle of carrots. My heart stopped as I heard and looked. God spoke to me, “You are a good mom.” Plain and simple. Look, he impressed on my heart, see what I have made for you. For you. I made this carrot grow in the arms of the other, for you. That when you felt terrible, I could encourage your heart. I think you are a good mom. My God lifted my spirit. Jesus told me gently I was doing well. I thanked God for this carrot, this mother carrot that embraced her child carrot, and for his sweet encouragement. My spirit felt light. I did hold my baby that day.

We took photos of this carrot pair while it withered. Jed wanted me to post pictures of it fading, to write a tragedy to accompany them, but I feel the message I got from it was far more important. Someone may read this and doubt my experience, laugh perhaps, but it won’t bother me. I heard and felt what I did. God is good, he is loving and faithful. I am thankful that he is more personal than I can imagine.

I still struggle with loving my baby boy, he still cries more than I knew a 10-month old could, and I still find my self overwhelmed with frustration. I still get angry and yell sometimes. But in my heart I am trying as hard as I can to do the best that I can, for the God that I know will help me not only overcome, but will forgive me in the meantime.

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06-18-10:

I re-read this before finally posting it. I must express my thankful heart that my baby E. has improved. He is saying words like hat and light, signing and giving good kisses. Although there are many areas left to smooth out, he is improving and I do enjoy him more and more each day. Praise Jesus.

When I stand before the Lord, I’ll be standing alone
This journey is my own
Still I want man’s advice, and I need man’s approval
This journey is my own

Why would I want to live for man, and pay the highest price
What does it mean to gain a whole world, only to lose my life

So much of what I do is to make a good impression
This journey is my own
And so much of what I say is to make myself look better
But this journey is my own

And why would I want to live for man, and pay the highest price
And what does it mean to gain a whole world, only to lose my life

And I have never felt relief like I feel it right now
This journey is my own
Because trying to please the world, it was breaking me down
It was breaking me down

And now I live and I breathe for an audience of one
Now I live and I breathe for an audience of one
Now I live and I breathe for an audience of one
Because I know this journey is my own

And why would I want to live for man, and pay the highest price
And what does it mean to gain a whole world, only to lose my life
And you can live for someone else, and it will only bring you pain
I can’t even judge myself, only the Lord can say, ‘Well done.’

Preparing for a move I am contemplating this question not because I seek each day to be philosophical, but because our move is requiring this of me. Our family of five will be moving into a space that is going to be very small. Yesterday we purchased a 30-foot motor home and will be moving into it the first weekend in March. I imagine each moment of the day what living in this space will be like. I try not to fain romantic. With three small kids to care for, cook for, and educate, a husband, and a remodel to finish, I am working daily to prepare my mind for the level of stress that will be upon me everyday for at least a portion of the day.

But spring is coming. This fact will make all the difference.

So what does our family really need?

Well here is a list of things that I plan to bring just to make our kitchen, I thought some one could find this useful someday. I know I will appreciate the record of it when I am looking at these days as far behind me. The list:

1. My biggest pot with it’s lid and the strainer basket that fits inside it. I will be able to use this for everything from soup to frying bacon.

2. Medium-sized pot with it’s lid.

3. Medium saucepan that uses the same-sized lid.

note: my pots can function on the stove top and in the oven because they have no plastic parts, this will be super nice.

4. 2-3 wooden spoons.

5. Silicon spatula.

6. Flat metal spatula.

7. Our knife set (steak, paring, chef, and bread knives).

8. Measuring cups (I will use my hand for spoon measurements).

9. Rolling pin (a flour tortilla must-have, and good for breaking nuts and things).

10. Kettle.

11. Scissors.

12. Can opener.

13. Faithful pastry blender. I can’t get fluffy, fluffy biscuits without this. Ooh, or these scones.

14. Peeler. Though I could use a knife, I will bring this because it will save time.

15. Box grater.

16. The all powerful whisk.

17. Parchment paper—this has changed my cookie baking life!

18. Small baking sheet.

19. 13 x 9 casserole dish, I may change my mind and bring a 9 x 9, for brownies.

20. Cutting board.

21. Three nesting mixing bowls.

22. Seven washcloths and ten towels. I will wash these by hand regularly and line-dry them and then machine wash them when I can.

23. Vintage multi-roll dispenser for wax paper, plastic wrap, and aluminum foil. A thrift store find.

24. Matches (propane heats and runs this motor home).

25. Soap (and my two hands, joining the Hand Wash Your Dishes Club again).

I have not included things to eat on or with, this will consist of: all our silverware (eight settings), eight salad plates (what we eat 90% of our meals on), two big plates, six cereal bowls (four large and two small), eight glasses (four short, four tall), and four mugs (two big, two small). I will also bring all of our napkins, I prefer cloth over paper. I will definitely have a small store of paper goods, for tired days and when we entertain. The other thing I will use frequently will be our barbeque. I suppose I may need a few utensils for this as well, but I will keep them outside with the grill. I’m looking forward to grilled pizza, vegetables, meat, and maybe even some peaches.

Well I have been saying it and I will say it again, the adventure continues. God has provided for us vividly once again. I hope to bring a smile to his face in this season of tight-living and hard-working. Honestly, I will rejoice to the point of weeping the first night I am sleeping beside my husband in our new room in our new house, along with so many other things we will do there. I long for these hard stressful days to end but they are continuing. However, I am ever so thankful for the Gardener that prunes the vines to produce more and more fruit.

Trailer life, here we come.